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Family, career, guilt - the dilemma

Family, work, career, guilt, values, work intensification, postnatal depression


Families are essential building blocks to our society; they nurture children, build the children's confidence and strengths, guide them through life's often not black and white decisions, and provide moral values.


But what about family and work? What is the relationship between these two?



As a full time working mum, a lot of the time, I feel guilty that I can't spend as much time with Erin as I would want to, we often get home after 5.30 pm, and I often need to start my studies until late. I am lucky to have such a great little firecracker who is really understanding and very mature for her age. I always try to listen to her, do art stuff together, or cook the evening meal. Swimming is our passion; we generally go swimming every week if we can. But it is not easy to find the right balance between work and life and being a mum and being a professional. I often feel guilty about pursuing a career and not giving 100% of my time to be a mother. As Erin is getting older, my relationship with guilt is somewhat better; she understands more now. I hope that she will know that I am doing this to show her that she can achieve her goals and dreams regardless of the struggles in life. It wasn't always like this, especially when she was just one year old.


I remember when my maternity leave was ending, we were making calculations to see how much it will cost to go back to full-time employment. The numbers were shocking; around 80% of my wages were spent on childminders and nurseries. It was a tough time as effectively; I was working so someone else can take care of my daughter. But of course, the situation always a really complex one; when people decide to go back to work or stay home, these decisions are not easy to make. It is often the point when many parents are probably re-evaluating how beneficial it is to go back to work. This is the time when the labour market is missing out on potential employees and talent, as the high cost of childcare forces individuals to pursue part-time jobs, lower-paid jobs, or remain at home as full-time carers.


It is essential to weigh up all the pros and cons before deciding about work and family, and this decision can be a tough one to make. Work has many clear benefits for families, not just around the monetary side of things, but can also positively impact individuals' mental health. Mothers and fathers are role models for their children, sharing financial responsibilities in the family, making connections with other people, and developing support networks. The parents who are full-time parents are also role models for their children; I think being a full-time mum or dad or carer is the hardest job in the world as you are 24/7 on duty with no breaks.


For me, deciding to go back to work was something I had to do. After Erin was born, I had awful post-natal depression (PND), and work helped me refocus, gave me a purpose, and expanded my support network. I am not regretting making this decision; I grew so much as a person in the last seven years, I got back my drive in life, but there is always this little niggle in the back of my head. This little voice on bad days when something in work annoys me, making me question how much this decision was worth it.


Works negative impact of family

I am sure I am not the only one feeling some negative impact of my work on my family life, especially around the time which is somewhat squeezed due to my long working hours or when my daughter tells me she doesn't like that I am working so hard. She always brings up the topic; others are collected straight from school after the last lesson... and it can be hard to hear.


I do lose my cool in the mornings, where everything should be military precision; following the routine, we are out of the door within 35 minutes of waking up, well in an ideal world. And yes, often, my emotions and frustration leak; I can become impatient easily. In today's work environment, it is easy to become impatient with the children; they are a lot slower in everything they do. When you need to work in a really fast-paced environment, you kind of expect others to behave the same way, pick up the pace and do things NOW...


Then there is the stress of work, trying to build a career, be a good mum, sort the house, do your studies and still try to remain a good partner to your spouse as well. The stress of work can create irritability at home; the quality of home relationships can be lower due to the lack of energy and patience. In the current pandemic environment, many parents are also working from home full time, creating a situation where the family and work-life boundaries are becoming more and more blurred; work can creep into the family times in the evenings or weekends. Flexible working has many benefits; for example, I only filled up my car with petrol three times since March, I am trying to walk everywhere I can, the commute is a lot less than before. But! According to recent studies, it is important to think about work intensification. People are working a lot harder, flexible working has a potential dark side associated with it as well, and if organisations are not careful, individuals will burn out. The fine line between work-life balance will become non-existing.


Then we have the other phenomenon, where generally fathers are working longer hours, which again has a significant impact on family life. Their lack of presence is putting pressure on the other halves. Also, the interaction between children and fathers will be less, and the relationships can suffer as a result.


Also important to highlight the difficulties single parents families face. Their career development prospects are even more challenging as effectively they need to step in both parents' roles, no matter who is the primary carer for the child, mother, or father. I know a few single mum and dad who are doing a fantastic job, working full-time, and providing for their children, often doing multiple jobs. I have huge respect for single parents.


So the big question is, do I feel guilty overall going back to work? Yes, and no. I don't feel guilty as work helped me to regain some sort of normality in my life after PND. We were able to find a phenomenal childminder who I trusted with my most precious thing in life and I think this made the whole work-family-career dilemma a lot bearable. We are still very good friends, she is just awesome. Over the years, I feel less and less guilty about trying to build a career. I truly believe that me becoming a mother was what I needed in life, to become the professional I am now. I was only 24 when I had Erin, in a new country, with very little support other than my fantastic husband. Erin made me who I am now; she made me grow up both as a parent, a woman, and a professional. I am ever so grateful to have such a fantastic little family.



No matter what is or was your decision around work and family, career, or parenting. The most important thing is that you have to decide which is the best, the most suitable option for your family and you as a person. Remember one thing, just because you became a mother or father, you shouldn't lose your SELF.


If you think you might have postnatal depression, please contact your GP. It is ok not to be ok; they are here to help.


Some useful readings;


About Postnatal depression:

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/p/postnatal-depression


Families and work in the twenty-first century:

https://www.jrf.org.uk/sites/default/files/jrf/migrated/files/1859350968.pdf

CIPD Parent returner Programme


CIPD report about flexible working after lockdown


Photo reference in order of appearance:

Photo by Lisa Fotios and Anna Tarazevich from Pexels and Pixabay


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